Malonga, one of the camp managers at Toka Leya, shared what life is like for women--and how it is changing--during one of our conference periods.
Showing respect is probably the most important value for families and communities. Children are taught to respect their elders. This is typically done by kneeling before them when you welcome them to your home or when you give them something. After marriage, you sit next to the elder.
Another way to show respect is to refrain from making eye contact. (It is interesting to note that African-American children get into trouble for doing this because in American society, not looking someone in the eye is considered disrespectful and a failure to listen.)
You show respect when you shake hands. For example, as you extend your right hand to another, you place the left hand flat on the inside of your right arm near the elbow. If you are on the street and you see someone you know, a curtsy will do.
When you meet someone, it is important to know who is older so that each person understands how to speak to each other. It is even OK to ask for each other's age.
In marriage, both the man and the woman must earn the respect of each other. If something goes wrong, it is assumed that the man is at fault. However, in such cases, the woman should go to her grandmother for help and advice. If the marriage ends up in divorce, the couple goes to the tribal chief to get permission and the OK for the separation.
When people get married, their first expectation is that they produce a child.
When girls are in puberty, that is the time they learn about sex, marriage, boys, etc. However, they do not go to their mothers for these discussions; they go to their grandmother or aunties. The grandmother then gives the girl the chitenge, the wrap around her waist as depicted above, because she has become a young woman.
The chitenga is a symbol of respect as well as a signal of whether the woman is married or single. The placement of the chitenga is also important. If you are single, you wear it below the waist to show that you are available for marriage. If you are married, you wear the chitenga at the waist. If a woman loses her husband to death, she wears a black chitenga for a year complete with a black head head-wrap.
A woman is expected to be a virgin before marriage, which figures into the bride price. That is, the woman's family can negotiate a higher price for the groom to pay for the woman to be his wife. If the woman gets pregnant before marriage, she should go to her grandmother and tell her. The man who got her pregnant then must pay a fee for "damage" and accept responsibility for the child. If he denies culpability, he is not allowed to be with the child after it is born. In practice, there are very low rates of denial. Again, the woman does not go to her mother for advice because it would be uncomfortable for both of them to talk about it.
The bride price has its rules and customs as everything does in traditional cultures. It is expected that the two families negotiate the bride price and come to an agreement. To determine the bride price, knowing the background of both the man and the woman is essential. For example, if a woman meets a man, she tells her grandmother. This is important because should there be a wedding, the grandmother needs to research which tribe he comes from (there are 72 in Botswana) and how financially stable he is. She must also know if the girl is a virgin.
An expensive bride price is worth 6-10 cows while a cheaper price is 3-4 cows. If the girl has a child from another man, she is considered a "second-hand product" and will command a very low bride price. A woman who is without children and hasn't had sex for a long time ago will be worth 4-5 cows.
Another element that is considered in the bride price is the past history of the families/tribes: were there any past disputes or not?
The first night of sexual relations is very important. The grandmother gives the woman a white cloth. If the cloth is spotted with blood, that provides evidence of her virginity. If there is no blood, that is considered evidence that the woman is not a virgin. In this case, the man and his family may decide whether or not to go ahead with the marriage, and the bride price may be re-negotiated, usually by the uncles.
The woman's virginity is not the only virtue that is important in the bride price. Character counts as well. If the woman has been difficult to control or naughty in character, that may impede her chances for marriage and/or command a lower bride price.
Marriage is a big deal in this society, however, if a woman decides to remain single and not have any children, she knows that she will not be respected as much as she would be as a married woman. This attitude is changing, however, as a result of children's exposure to social media and sex education in school. Women today are pushing back on these traditions.
Arranged marriages, too, are becoming a thing of the past as more and more couples choose to be married. And even though the influence and role of the grandmothers and aunties is diminished, they still loom large in helping the young woman to decide on a suitable husband.
Sometimes a marriage goes wrong. In that case, divorce is acceptable. But cause for divorce usually involves violence after several years have passed. Infidelity is not a cause for divorce. For the most part, the fault for the broken marriage is hidden in order to avoid shaming the couple. Even so, the man is usually held accountable for divorce, and his family will shame him.
Over the past 10-20 years divorces have increased by almost 50 percent. Women have more independence and are fighting hard to end bad marriages.
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